The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Write to me
Write the words you mumble in your sleep
Re-Write what you erased
Let me wrap my arms around your words when they turn against you
Let me make peace between you and your old self
Let me love what they made you believe is unlovable
Let me in
Let yourself out
Leave your tower
I braided my long hair for you
reach out for it and meet me down here
Let us be the plot twist
Make a home for me out of the palm of your hand
Make a hiding place out of the space between your shoulders
Make me a part of you as if I’m ever standing next to you
Make our shadows look as one

You have to accept that some people are not made for deep conversations, or for holding you together when you’re about to fall apart, or for keeping you from unzipping your skin, or for talking you out of suicide, or to love you through the worst moments of your life. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter, and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them horrible people because they simply aren’t able to handle a storm like you. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you won’t divulge all the gritty details of your horror show. It makes you smart. You have to accept that there will be people that cannot give you what you need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in your life. You just have to figure out who these ones are before you’re disappointed. And you have to keep them at arm’s length. You cannot expect everyone in your life to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart wisdom, or wax-poetic, or speak on politics and the depravity of society, or discuss how crucial it is that the stigma of mental illness be abolished. There are times when you have to get away from all that heaviness. You have to. And you will need superficial conversation about Kim Kardashian’s arse, or a debate on the color of The Dress. You will need those ones. So don’t go round cutting people off and dropping your friends. You need people for all your seasons. You need people or you won’t survive this.

Honestly, I don’t care if it sounds needy, I’m just tired of having failed relationships because of high expectations, I want to find another human being that accepts me exactly as I am from my “emotional mess” times to “completely wild nerd” times. A guy that literally doesn’t care if I did nothing today or if I got a weird obsession that would seem boring to other people, because he’s okay with being human. I just don’t wanna hide my true self from anyone anymore, if somebody wanna be with me they gotta accept me as I truly am, as a complete human being that is NOT fucking perfect okay ?

I just really wish for myself to find a guy that’s a best friend, someone I can laugh to tears with, someone I can cry in front of and be vulnerable without feeling ashamed, someone that I can trust and tell my secrets to, someone that understands me and loves me completely as I am and that I understand and love completely as he is, someone that looks at me with love and passion, someone I can be sweet and loving with, goofy and angry, colorful. But never hurt each other intentionally or mock the other. Never. We can tease each other and argue, but communication is key, and we have a special understanding of each other. That kind of relationship, the “I will never leave you ever” kind. The “I prefer to stand with you in a storm than be comfortable at home” kind of love. We advise each other and complement each other… we’re just two imperfect people, who know they are imperfect, but that accept each other as they exactly are and love each other unconditionally, wouldn’t change them for anything.

We can be fucked up but we wont mind, because we know that’s what part of being human is, but we respect the other and never cross our boundaries. We’re a couple who are total best friends in public, but always finds it endearing to hold each other’s hands. We are a couple that trusts each other and feels secure in the relationship. We are a couple that stands up for their partner through thick and thin and really wants to be together, one where we push each other to be the best they can be even if it makes one upset, we know we are worth it, a wise couple who can talk about everything and anything with no judgment, yet can both be like grandpa and grandma and stay in our pajamas, have a lazy day just watching tv shows and snuggling together while eating things the grandma one prepared, a couple who can go out on dates in casual clothes and not care about people’s opinion, who goes out for long walks in nature, who can be comfortably silent and still somehow understand what the other thinks, who can tell each other things they never told anyone else before and keep the secrets, communicates without judging the other and accepts the other’s opinion, a couple who doesn’t mind insecure and blue days and give enough love to make the other feel at home, a strong couple who stands through challenges bravely and laughs at the face of obstacles, a couple who stays up late at night to talk to each other about anything and everything, that loves each other truly, purely, unconditionally, imperfectly.

Your memory now is as soft as a candle glow in the darkest of night, soon it will fade just like how it should be.
Little did you know, I used to cry myself to sleep but I got over you and every moment I should’ve kept are almost gone.
I wish you the best, I don’t even think of you anymore except when I wake up in the morning gasping for air and realizing I shouldn’t have woken up to re-live the past for another twelve hours and the cycle starts all over again.
Your memory now is …a forgotten path or is it.

I loved you even when you brought darkness in my brightest days.
I loved you even when you let go of my hand in the moment that I needed someone to hold.
I loved you even when you were the frequent reason my eyes shed tears.

I still love you

and
I
don’t
want
to
stop.

i am an enigma, i am a mystery. some times i speak, but more often than not, i keep to myself. keeping to myself, is not selfish, but the assumptions others raise about my reclusive nature, often are. why are you ignoring me? why are you distancing yourself from me? why are you avoiding me? but, why does it all have to be about you? what if i just have a lot going on in my life at the moment? what if i am too drained, and have no energy to socialize? what if i just need time to myself to grow, or to catch my breath? understand that there is more to my need to withdraw from the world. understand that i have phases in my life where i need myself, more than i need you.

Life is a bloody battle between your mind and your body; Sometimes a life long war.
Two entities contradicting one another, a struggle of profound passion,
Your heart caught in the crossfire.
Your mind endeavoring to convince you that your body is unlovable, undesirable, unworthy.
Your mind is not rotten it has simply been poisoned by a world of people who profit off of your ability to find beauty in them but not within yourself.
Through the struggle-some process of learning how to love yourself,
You must remember the way your body fought for you even whilst you tried to destroy it.
The way your heart continued to beat even when you wished deeply that it wouldn’t.
The way your skin covered your bones like a blanket when you wished it would simply disappear.
The way your body acted as a shell, protecting your mind, your heart and your soul while you singlehandedly tried to break it.
Let the scars that you bare serve as a medal; you have overcome the struggle to self destruct.
The wrinkles on your face a reminder that you have endured years of this battle and yet here you stand.
There will come a time that you will realize you are on the same team, an armistice proclaimed; a total ceasefire.
You will listen to your heart beating within the walls of your chest,
You will realize that it is the anthem of your existence,
You will take a deep breath and sing along to it.
There is nothing more natural on this earth than a human being, simply… being.

I am in love with the sky
I love how every night we are painted a new picture
Constant artwork, and all I have to do is look up
I like how it takes the light so long to reach me that I am staring at the past
There was so much time between when you and I were born and when we met
The question is how do you explain your life to someone?
And the answer is with difficulty
I am the dark space between the stars
Nothing at first, but zoom in and there are galaxies upon galaxies hidden inside
Every story I tell you is not so you can lay me out in a timeline
They are so you can know who I am and why I have become this way
The memories I share with you are veiled with connotations that I desperately want you to understand
I am not a list of events
I am a feeling
I like the sky because it is meant to be felt
I like the sky because as cliché as it is,
We are sharing it
Looking up at the same story
Told over and over again
In a million different ways.

are you hiding in the underground, where bugs roam freely, the earth embraces you warmly, every bit of rich, fertile soil shielding you away from monsters above ground, from the harsh rays of the sun, from the harsh words failing to pierce through the thick earth?
indeed, the underground is a safe haven, a retreat house, a week away from the hectic nature of life, a loving embrace in another’s arms of consolation, a vacation trip to the beach, the breeze calming the storm in your thoughts.
but, one way or another, someday you’ll need to climb back up.
someday, you’ll need to expose yourself to the threats of the creatures hunting you down, to the raindrops hitting with much force, to the stones of criticism thrown at you.
someday, you’ll need to retaliate, to channel that lionhearted soul of yours.
someday, you’ll need to fight fear and fight back, and the fates predict that, in the end, you’ll succeed.
because the sun is not purposed to burn you. rather, the sun is always meant to shine for you.

You can touch her skin, you can tuck away stray strands of hair behind her ear, you can hear her rhythmic breathing as she sleeps. She allows you to come into her room, her safe haven from all the peering eyes and jeering comments from random strangers on the outside. Her secrets dance around on her tongue before they naturally escape, greeting you at the end of soft and intimate whispers after two a.m. But sometimes she goes silent. It could happen before she dozes off, it could occur in the middle of a conversation. Her body begins to tremble, her eyes suddenly become glazed over, the waves sweep her away and suddenly she’s fighting to keep her head above the current. It’s as if she isn’t completely there. And when that happens, you become worried. You wonder if she will come back, all in one piece. You begin to fear that she only returns out of obligation, that she doesn’t really mean to come back. Some days are longer than others, but eventually she comes out of her trance-like state. And that’s when you remember: there’s a beauty beyond her bones. There is a beauty in the brokenness of her soul.

On the nights when your sadness comes, I hope you invite it in like an old friend. Lead it to your table and converse over your doubts and misfortune. Feed it your energy because even sadness is sustenance and let it sit in contentment long after it has had its fill because proper meals should never be rushed. It is then that you can ponder over the “what ifs, almosts, why nots, and how comes” that plague you and it is then that sadness will reminisce with you, too. Because when you acknowledge its place in your life, you’ll understand sadness has worth and will give way to another sooner than later. It will remember your graciousness and will hopefully come gentler the next visit around. And when it does, may hope and solace be gathered at your table, too.

People like us don’t say much,
Not because we have nothing to say,
Our minds are constantly coming up with things and keeping thoughts at bay,
Because if we were to really speak our minds, we could go on for days.

People like us escape cities and bright lights just to catch the sunrise,
We are up for that quiet, long drive that you might want to have after a bad day,
You don’t need to fill the silences with words for we are alright with your cries and sighs,
There’s no need to worry about not having anything to say.

People like us could ride a train all day,
Watching the way people rush to be someplace else,
Listening to the way people sigh when it rains and when the wind makes the trees sway
All the while thinking about the things we will say to you if you were here.

People like us notice the things that you do when you think no one is watching,
The way you flip your hair every few minutes because you think it’s messed up,
The way you eat a spoonful of peanut butter straight out of the jar,
The way you twitch in your sleep and that one time when you broke your favorite cup.

People like us don’t mind going the distance,
When you call and tell us that you need us to be there,
We will ditch everything else and come to you without much hesitation,
Just wait for a text that says, “meet me outside.”

People like us will always remember the love that you have given us,
Like an elephant that never forgets it's child,
We remember the first time we saw you on the school bus,
And how your crooked smile drove us wild.

People like us spend so much time on writing, they say.
“Get out and meet more people.”, they’ll tell us,
Because the world needs people that speak up, loud and all the way,
Not people like us that pour our feelings into poetry at the last row of the bus.

What really kills me is that no one is obligated to love me back. There are people that I would cross every ocean for, give up everything I have for, and that doesn’t make them obligated to love me back . But it’s not a reason to stop loving people. It’s not a reason to become cold. Some days all I can do is swallow the pain, and hope they know they’ll always be loved.

COMMENTS

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xAngelofAgonyx
23:10 Jun 06 2017

If it were obligated it wouldn't be love.

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GlorifiedxSinner
23:17 Jun 06 2017

Obligation in a sense that for all that has been done, at least show appreciation back.

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POST COMMENT

You say you love me but when I really needed someone – you weren’t there. When everything fell apart and the world came crashing down around me, you weren’t there for me…
How can you love someone and at the same time care so little?
You say you love me but what good is it? When I laugh, you’re not there to laugh with me. When I’m lonely you’re not here to keep me company, when I’m happy you’re not the reason anymore; So tell me… what good is telling someone you love them if you’re not actually loving them? Love is not held within the word itself – it is in the act of loving. It’s not something that you SAY… it’s something that you DO… Love is a very deliberate action… a consequence of something beyond all control. It is not a description, an affectionate remark or a passphrase into someone’s good books and I take great offense when it is not used in its proper context.
So don’t say ‘I love you’ if you don’t really mean it.
If you truly love someone there should be no need to say it because it should be in everything you do and everything that you are…
So don’t say it ever again because I don’t want to hear it.
You say you love me… but I don’t believe you anymore.

"So why don’t you talk to each other anymore?”

“Because,” he paused giving a soft smile.
“Strangers can not start a conversation with I’ve missed you even if it’s all there is to say."

There are times that you make me feel unique and there are times that you make me feel ordinary. Times that you make me feel sure about your feelings for me and times that you make me feel insecure and afraid of losing you. Times that you want to see me like crazy and times that you don’t mind if we don’t see each other. Times that you kiss and hug me like it will be our last goodbye and times that you don’t. Even if we have our good and our bad times, I know that I’m not ready to give up on us. I’m not ready to let go. And I hope you are not ready either.

I was a storm before you met me, a wild flower with thorns so that no one could touch me, living in the ocean of my thoughts and swimming in my all tears, but then one day I found you.
All my thorns fell on the ground, my broken heart started to heal and the smiles you gave me fill me with the passion I thought I didn’t have and you know it’s true.
I was a hopeless person with no sign of love, looking for places to call home, but then you showed me that home was not a place, home my dear… was your soul in the heart of someone else.
And then one day you said your last goodbye to me, but my thorns were not there, so they couldn’t protect me from yours words and my heart got broken… and all my sad thoughts came again.
I was a non believer, love was a story to tell to the kids you see on the block, but now I do believe that love is not with us all the time, maybe is just dancing around, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be lonesome again.

One day, the earth looked up at the sun, and asked “ why are you so close? You burn me with your heat. ” And the sun slowly moved farther away each day. Until the day came, and the earth, covered with snow asked “ can you please come closer. Your heat warms me, and I am cold.” So, the sun slowly moved closer, until she was warm again. And so it went. Too hot then too cold. But, the sun never changed. He only did what she asked. His satisfaction came with the knowledge that she would always need him. In good and in bad times. He would circle her forevermore, and always give her what she wanted.

Silence. Complete, brutal silence. Words left unspoken surround you. Choices. All the choices you ever made come out, flashing before your eyes like a lighting descending from the skies. Your demons seize the moment and come out. They dance and yell. Circling all around you. Vultures. Wolves, looking for the kill. Longing for the feast to come. Your thoughts evade your mind and get around your neck, strangling you. Breathe - you can’t breathe. But you are breathing. And, with every breath, you are fighting. With every breath you take, you get one step closer to your goal. And, by breathing, you make them disappear. You control them. You have the leash. And, by any means, you did the impossible. You survived. You are breathing, despite everything you’ve been through. And I am proud.

And that’s the thing,
They don’t fucking know.
And you can’t say anything because you sit and choke on your own tongue.
I’m haunted by versions of myself that have died every day.
They ask “Are you alright?” but don’t want the answer “I’m not fucking okay

After you broke my heart into a million pieces, they told me I needed to go out and get drunk. So I began to drink to forget your name and the memories you left burning in the back of my mind. As I got deeper and deeper into the bottle, I started to forget where I was. I forgot what I was doing, and I even forgot how to speak. I started seeing things too. Colors mostly. I saw a lot of blue, like the shade of your eyes. And there you were in my head. I couldn’t forget you. I guess that’s what love really is. I know I deserve better but it’s a matter of wanting it, and I don’t want better. I want you. I think I’ll always want you. You just won't want me.

I think nobody will ever truly love me. And I accept that. But it still will make me cry night after night. And that’s why I will give all the love I have inside my heart to all the people out there. And I have endless love inside me. That’s why, when I fall in love with someone, I won’t ever stop loving them.

Anxiety often makes it feel this way:
no one sees you in this world you’re all alone.
no one sees you and oh also you have no where too go.
no one sees you just like the people in your past.
no one sees you that’s why in this world you will never last.
no one sees you
you are not important.
no one sees you, you might as well do it.
no one sees you but u still stay brave.
no one sees you now, no one seen you then!
no one will ever see you
so just let it end.
Because no one sees you.

I picked up the pen when I had my very first heartbreak. I never knew I had it in me till I bleed words from the cuts of my heart. I was 13 then. Like vines on trees, my love for writing grew. Years passed and heartbreak seemed like a distant memory. More or less I started to feel the sunshine on my skin again. I started to live in the moment as I gently let my pen down. For I never picked up the pen when I was happy. Twirled myself into the arms of love, finally feeling like things were falling into place. He once asked me “among the pieces that you’ve written, have u ever written one for me?” “Yes” I lied. Months passed and our love grew till one day the little while lie turned into truth for little did he know that I only write when I’m bleeding.

I fall apart subtly. It’s not loud. It’s bags under my eyes, and meals skipped. It’s not laughing at my favorite shows, not singing along to my favorite songs. It’s subtle, but oh my god, it is real and right now I’m in a million pieces.

Please don’t hold back on me. Tell me that you miss me. Tell me that you stayed up late cause you couldn’t stop thinking about me, about us. Tell me about the dreams you have with me. Tell me about the way I make you happy. Don’t pretend to have no feelings. Love is not a weakness, and if it is, let’s all be weak, let’s all tell people why they mean so much to us.

She has become such a lonely person. She over-thinks; she is too curious; she is anxious. It almost kills her. Over time she has figured out a way she can quieten down her emotions and just feel nothing for a while. Other times it overwhelms her and she feels everything. I do not know what is worse, to feel absolutely nothing or to feel everything completely.

It just hits her sometimes. She was fine one minute, and then all at once, her mind would begin rearranging itself, like jigsaw pieces forcefully fitting together to form a puzzle she was never able to make sense out of.

Her thoughts were doses of potent psychedelics, and when she would share them with you, she would lure you in, and meticulously detach you from reality.

Listening to her speak made you feel like you were floating. Every syllable, every word, lessened the earth’s gravitational pull, every sentence lifted you further off the ground.

Sometimes I would look into her eyes and see nothing but dread, and sometimes I wanted to reach into the depths of her being and drag her demons out, but they had already built a home inside of her.

When her tragedies would bleed through her body, she would collect the blood in jars and use the red to paint self portraits, and when she would burst with feeling, she would rattle the core of the earth, and everything around you trembled.

I wanted to love the pain out of her, but I was too afraid, because it seemed like the pain had become her, and if I were to love the pain out of her, then I would love her soul away.

Just like the moon, I let you see what I want.
Of course, you think I am bright and pure and so good
But you only see the reflection of the sun.
Never forget I have no light of my own,
I’m pure darkness and shadows.